There comes a moment in time when you just let go. That has been my experience. When you are war weary and the effort to lift your head takes more then you can muster. I have been there before. Although my relapse is getting serious I should not be at the point again. Right? I am not hooked up to a G tube I am not locked in hospital. I still go to work 5-6 days a week. I still have the energy to make jokes and act like everything is ok to the world. I shouldn’t be at this point here already.
But I am. I am tired. A friend got frustrated with me tonight because she doesn’t understand. Doesn’t understand why I won’t just choose another road. Why I won’t just change my thoughts and change my outlook. To her at least the way she was saying it made it seem like it was just a simple choice. And maybe it is. Maybe I have made this battle way bigger then it is but it is hard fighting ANA all day long and nights like tonight when I work a 12 hour shift. I don’t know. I just know t this point it consumes my life and I m tired.
It’s so hard to explain to someone who has never had an ED what it’s like and how much of a battle is. In most cases I find people just get tired of you not changing and they first are scared then angry then they walk away throwing their hands up in the air. This is why I find isolation peaceful even though I know it doesn’t help. I get tired of the guilt of other peoples anger and frustration. I get tired of carrying that burden even though I know they mean well. So in the end I push them away. I tell friends it’s easier not to stick around because this is hard to watch and painful. I remember this road so clearly from my first entanglement with ANA.
Facing another battle with this disease and the thought of trying to beat it seems most arduous. So I have just decided to let go and let it run it’s course. If it comes back a second time who is to say I won’t be here in another 10 years. It just all seems too much. So I have set up camp called the soldiers off and plan on letting the storm take me. I am letting go.
I feel like I have accomplished all I can in my life. I have done so much and changed enough lives that’s all the good that will come out of me. I know this will not be an easy road but I feel this sense of relief. Knowing there will be an end to this. Probably not soon enough but an end non the less.