I woke up this morning. I actually woke up a hundred times last night and barely slept. The pressure building with in me is simply too heavy. It’s like I have been buried in cement and I can barely breath.
Sitting here listening to the Vent. As it pushes air in and out of my angels lungs I feel like mine are about to explode. This day will be no easy task. I already regret the sun as it has risen.
I don’t know how I will survive this day. The darkness just seems to be growing thicker and more oppressing.
I am so done with it all.
Done hurting others
Done trying to get better
Done getting worse
Done trying to be strong
Done trying to be things I am not
Done trying to be brave
Done trying to make the right decisions
Done struggling to breath
Done waking up
Just simply done.
This day will be unbearably difficult.
Yesterday I cut and it hurts a lot today. A minute by minute reminder that I have failed at life and ruined so much.
Ahhhh so much promise my life had and I have somehow washed it away. I am ready for the sun to set. I am ready to walk into the night and find the end. I am ready for peace and for this haunting nightmare to end.
Panic seems to be my friend this morning. And I suppose it is a good thing I have to work. Have to focus on caring for a special little angel… The only thing I am good at anymore. I don’t know if I will survive all 12 hours here but I will try. Every kiss the last. Every snuggle meant to last her until the memory of me fades. Every fight we have over whose favorite color purple is will need to be enough. I love this little one. But the longer this battle continues the more difficult it will be to care for her. Twice already this morning I stand and almost feel like I am going to pass out. Perhaps my body is already shutting down. I don’t know why I would feel so lightheaded when I ate a little yesterday.
No amount of medication will ease the battle of this day.
I want to curl up in a ball and sob and cry and scream and cease breathing.
I just want an end.
My dad is an excellent chess player when it comes to life. I didn’t realize this until today. Because I am without a vehicle and staying with them since the accident I have been using my sisters car to get to and from work. He has set very clear perimeters on what I can and cannot do and he know I respect them and will bring the car home as he has asked. So in light of tomorrow when I would just as soon fight and make my decision to live or die at my apartment he has ensured that after work I will need to return home after I get out of work to “bring the car home”. I know he is doing this because he loves me and knows how fragile I am and he doesn’t want me alone tomorrow.
The whole day will be difficult. I have had panic attacks and been a mess today. I know my little angel will be a good distraction but I also know this single day will haunt me in the quiet and busy moments all day long.
And I know when I return home I will be a mess. Sleep will not be my friend tomorrow. So I think I will bring the car home and then go for a walk. I won’t ask them to fight through this with me. They have already done this once and it was exhausting 13 years ago. I won’t ask that of them again.
If I could have but one wish it would be that the morning would never come. The darkness is haunting and presses down on me as if I cannot have the slightest room to breath.
I want peace
I want this to end.
I desperately need it to.
I am tired of hurting.
I am tired of the struggling
I am just so tired
Tomorrow is March 8th the day before my birthday. Perhaps tomorrow will never come
This darkness is overwhelming
I am so confused today. Little steps are hard to accomplish but I am trying. But for each minuscule step I try to take forward it seems the evil one hurls me back 10 more. But that is my fault. You can start out doing something good but in the midst of it before you realize it you have traded off things you never should have. And you have opened the door for the evil one and his minions to set up camp. And with each burning, seething word they whisper or scream in your ear you begin to realize what you have done. You have relinquished large portions of of your life to them. You have walked up to GOD and took back from HIM areas you had surrendered and thrown them wide open for death and despair to move in.
Good things left unchecked can have disastrous results. And then when you grasp this the battle to regain them it seems more daunting then the strength or faith you have to take them back.
I have learned a lot in my struggles with ANA. I have learned so much about joy and death and life. I see clearly what started out as “just a couple pounds” becomes a fierce battle for your very life. And we all believe in this magic number. “If I can just reach xxxlbs then I will be happy and able to return to life as normal. Then all the millions of battles we fight every second if the day will cease. How foolish and naive we are. When we reach that goal weight we will step on the scale feel overjoyed for a very brief moment and then look in the mirror and see that is not enough. And at this point out minds are so malnourished and confused with a twisted reality we will see no difference between now and the original weight. That seems crazy but it is true. My first battle with ANA I lost over 160lbs and every time I looked in the mirror I saw no change. Just fat. My brain filtered the picture before me and I looked just as ugly and fat as I had weighed originally. Is that not insane!!! Only one time in those three years when I looked into the mirror did I see that I had gone too far and it was for a split second. Then it all was overcome by the voice of ANA. And I had to lose more. I had to weigh less. I had to stop eating for longer periods of time or I would remain this fat and hideous creature I had come to hate. ANA whispered just 10 more lbs should be good enough. But the truth is no matter how much you lose it will never be good enough. Ana’s whole point is to destroy. We dip our toes in thinking what we hear is truth and then before we know it we have been sucked in and sucked under. And we struggle to get back to the surface for air but we have chained ourselves to so many twisted beliefs and lies it keeps us under. And its always a crap shoot to who survives. There are no guarantees. Each and every one of us so consumed by the need to weigh less to have some sense of control think that if the kidneys shut down or the heart stops working no big deal. It won’t happen to us. And the farther in we go as the families and friends and doctors use that point to try to bring us back to reality it won’t matter. Because at that point we don’t care. Death seems like a release from the horror we live with everyday. So to try to use that as an argument to fight to live is like cutting off an arm and then putting a Mickey Mouse band aide on it to stop the bleeding. It is pointless.
This is the nightmare parents and siblings and friends face. Trying to use reason and logic won’t work because logic in our minds is lost. It has been filled by the need to find some control and the ability and necessity to make that needle move on the scale. Then families move to the grief stage. They use words like if you love us…. Can’t you see what you are doing to yourself…. Can’t you see you are tearing the family apart…. Why can’t you just eat…. Your going to die and we will be left with the mess to clean up and an unbearable hole in our lives that will never go away. This too is defeating. Because at this point ANA has us so convinced of our unworthiness that it only serves to solidify how horrible of a person we are. Your words of desperation to save us only become more tools ANA uses to prove we are evil and selfish and unworthy of food or life.
Then there is the anger stage. Family members in desperation to save us or themselves scream and tell and treat us with a cruel coldness. And you cannot blame them. They have been wiped clean of their own emotional stability and hope they are simply bankrupt and they cannot choose to just let go because it would feel unloving and they cannot continue because they are drained of life themselves.
This is the evilness of an eating disorder. Whether it’s ANA (anorexia) Mia (bulimia) a mix of the two or over eating disorder. This is the reality for someone caught in these web of lies and cannot find their way out.
So in the midst of this the evil one comes along and whispers death is better. Death is much easier it will all go away. No more struggle. No more darkness. No more pain or agony. No more being a burden. No more hurting your loved ones. Death is the answer.
And like sweet honey it calls to the exhausted body mind and soul of us. Like the lies to lose to 10 more lbs is the answer so too death becomes an answer.
And what people fail to see is that we never meant this to happen. We never meant to hurt anyone. We never meant to learn to hate ourselves. We never meant to create such deep wounds for those we love. We couldn’t see the bigger picture. We were unaware of the ultimate cost. We did not know the living hell we were walking into. And we would take it all back if we could. So painful and horrific is this disease we would NEVER wish it on our worst enemies because it is a hell no one should have to walk through. That’s the truth. For those of us who stumbled on this path because of abuse neglect rape traumatic circumstances…. We wouldn’t even wish it on those who cause the injuries that brought us to the door of an eating disorder. That speaks of how black the darkness is inside here.
What then is the answer? How do you save someone you love from such a fate if death or a lifetime of misery before death comes? It is a combination of things. And what may help one won’t always work on the other. Sometimes inpatient treatment is needed to atleast get some nutrition into a persons body so they can think more clearly. Sometimes it is the only way to keep them safe from suicidal thought. Sometimes a combination of nutritionalist and doctor and meds and therapy is enough. Everyone is different. But there is one thread that runs through every form of help and it is love. Unconditional selfless love. It above all else will help heal the wounds that brought us to this place. And how does a family do that when they are already bankrupt? That comes from GOD alone. Only HE can measure out the strength it will take to break through and defeat ANA. It is no small task just as it is for is grappling with ANA. It is a moment by moment choice to run and fight with all abandon to save the ones we love.
For me I am blessed with surrogate parents who are trying their hardest to execute unconditional love.
But I am still so broken at such deep levels I am almost certain I cannot be saved. I am afraid that I will be the statistic. 1 in 5 die from anorexia. I believe I am that one in this equations. So dark is the road I travel I can see nothing before me and each step forward propels me to either life or death. I fumble trying so hard to make it through. But I am fearful that I have been on this road too long that I am two steps today from the cliff I will plummet off of. I know there is a small part of me that wants to live or I wouldn’t have gone home to my parents a little over two weeks ago. But even now I am afraid I waited too long. And now I have just hurt and injured them worse because I need this to stop so badly I cannot seem to find the strength to stop. I hear their voices which seem so far away and I am fearful I do not have the strength to find them.
At the end of the day I want peace from this battle with ANA. I need desperately for it to stop. So that is why I find myself at this point. Nutritionally starved, spiritually bankrupt, emotionally overloaded. I am willing to let go if it means I no longer have to breath in shards of glass. For each try I give I am thrown back wards and I lay stunned on the ground in confusion.
As the day is drawing to an end…. I find my brain fried. I still have 2.5 hours of work but most of the hard part is done.
Feel a little like I have been on a roller coaster. People are complicated. And sometimes no matter how hard you try to help people get confused and wounded easily. This crazy world of ANA is so hard for others to understand. So others who have never dealt with it get stuck on the little things and miss that someone with an ED never purposely sets out to hurt anyone but themselves. Sometimes when things are so dark you are just in a survival mode at a bare minimum. Breathing sleeping and trying to either eat food or keep what we have eaten takes more energy then a lot of us have. So if you take personally everything a person says when they are in the throws of this it will only create wounds that are hard to heal and it can destroy precious bonds and friendships and families.
At first you don’t realize just how much you will sacrifice for this demon. It seems innocent enough when it starts out and fools us into thinking we have some sense of control when life seems out of control. And we won’t realize the depth of the obsession nor the reality of everything that gets swept away until it’s too late. ANA has literally a death grip on us. And so when I see pro-ANA websites it angers me. That someone would aspire to be thin and encourage others to do so when the price paid more often then not is death. ANA is the highest cause of death above ANY other psychiatric illness combined. Every day I wake up, every time I pass a mirror or see a picture or come face to face with food it is an all exhausting battle. And more often then not I lose. That voice in our head belittles and screams hatred to us non stop from the moment we wake till the moment we fall asleep. It consumes us. In a literal sense and mentally and emotionally as well. Our trip tonight was to mcdonalds. That’s what my little one earned with her tokens. So I got a shamrock shake which I love. But McDonalds now lists the calories of everything and every sip I took of that once enjoyable drink reminded me that I was drinking 697 calories. That’s probably 2-3 times my normal intake… And I blew it all on a shake. But that’s the stupid part. It was just a shake. That’s all. Not a demon or something I should be afraid of. I should be able to enjoy it. But ANA won’t allow it. So here I am almost 2 hours later and she is still reminding me how week I am.
Why in the world would anyone ever choose this life???? Who would want to miss out on family and friends because you are afraid there won’t be control of food in this situation. Who wants to be isolated and feel broken and lost? No one in their right mind. So when I see these sites I am heart broken because by the time they realize what they have done it will be too late. Fighting to take your choice back will either take every ounce with in you or it will kill you. There are no other options. No happy endings when you reach your goal weight cause you will realize that is not enough.
I am tired of this battle. I am corrupted by something others glamorize. It has reached a point for me that the battle in my head is so intense and unrelenting that I would choose death rather then be here or there ever be a chance to find myself back here.
I thought the choice I have to make was going to be so easy but the more time I spend with my family the harder it gets. And I know for a sane person that is a good thing. But I am as far as sane as they come right now. Have been for months.
I try to be honest with those closest to me but because it doesn’t make sense to them and they think it is asinine anger flows through their words at moments. I know it hurts because it’s not easy to hear what I have to say. I know it’s not. But if I cannot be honest at the deepest level of where I am at then what hope is there for healing the deep crevices that are bleeding in my foundation? I mean no harm. And I know my parents love me and I am so far from their biological children I am confusing and difficult to deal with. But I cannot handle the intense voice or the fine do whatever you want. I can’t handle the “if we mean anything… If you choose this then where did we go wrong and obviously our love was not enough” those words wound me and push me away. It silences my sharing and then I just start putting the walls back up. Two people right now have unlimited access to my heart and mind but when I hear those words I just start closing doors and feeling like I have to do this on my own and I have to rebuild the wall to protect them and to not make me in even more lonely despair.
I grew up in a broken reality. So to expect me to think like someone who is healthy or who has lived and healed and been healthy is unrealistic for me. I realize I am 36 but if you want me to understand what your definition of family and love is then you have to go all the way back to the basics cause I don’t know those things. Not at the deep level it will take to heal this internal bleeding.
I am not the most broken person and my story is not the worst out there but for me it is my reality. And it’s darkness is blinding from finding the light. Dad said if you hear anything hear me and come towards my voice. How funny he should say that when I blogged I can hear them but don’t have the strength to get to them. I can’t see them.
I am exhausted today. This is my reality and that’s only a fraction of today’s battles.
I just can never come back here ever again and if I choose life that will always be a risk. I can’t. I can’t ever feel so dark and suffocated like this again. I can’t. It is just too much. I just can’t.
So my roommate got home last night and I was so torn do I go home and help her and be there for her and not get sleep or do I go back to my parents house my safe place because I am not doing well myself. It felt selfish and cruel because I pretty much lived in and out of hospitals for over 3 years with NG tubes and all kind of crazy drugs doctors and their ideas. So I know what it’s like your first night of freedom. But my dad felt it was best I come home and get some rest because this was the safest bet for me. This was the least risky path to go down. My house is not safe. With an alcoholic roommate and then a friend with and ED it would have meant some kind of danger wether I cut myself or laxed or starved myself. It’s true I would have done one of those things .
So I chose home to my parents. I talked to my roommate for a bit on the way home and we talked about where we would go from here. Her plan were to go to her dad’s in IL within the next couple of days. She sounded great but I knew this would be a hard night. But I chose myself. And then I get this text about an hour ago
“I am not doing so well on my own, I think it’s best that I head down to my dads today. I’ll be back in tc for court with my family, and I will have to catch up hugs then. I’m scared I’ll hurt LO and myself up here. Maybe i wasn’t ready to be out of the hospital yet, I’ll be safe at my dads. I love you and left your present on your bed <3 look for it. Xoxo. Ps I can't talk to val right now, this whole situation with her has my anxiety skyrocketing. I love her buy I need to stay healthy right now, at least thats something good I learned at forestview. Love u big sis.
Yes please. I can't do it right now. I'm more fragile than I thought… I need to be surrounded by people so I can't do stupid things to hurt myself"
And I feel like I abandoned her. I knew last night would be hard and yet I still chose myself. I left her. I left her to face her demons on her own less then 12 hours out of rehab. And I left her.
I left her!
I feel like the lowest person. I feel horrible I feel like I am the worst person on this planet. I chose me. I was selfish. I left her.
How could I be so selfish? How could I do such a thing.
What a day. I overslept again. I hate being late. Even though it was just 30 minutes it still isn’t ok. Didn’t even get down our road and slipped and went in the ditch and had to wake my dad up to come pull me out. I hope this is not a clue to how this whole day will be.
I am not a late person. So I think that all the stress of these past 5 months is finally getting to my body. Plus add in a car accident and I am a mess. My body is revolting and I am just so tired all the time. Anxiety seems to be overwhelming to.
I ended up going back to my parents house last night which felt incredibly selfish and mean but in all honesty I wouldn’t have done a good thing had I gone home. I would have been even later good gravy.
So much is on my mind. So much I can’t even seem to find the words to write here. My heart is heavy and I am so torn. Being home with my family for the last two weeks has been such a blessing. Being inside that safe house enveloped in their love has protected me from so much and been very nurturing. It is the only place I have found rest and the darkness of my mind doesn’t run so rampant. But the moment I walk out that door the assaults begin in an intensity it is hard to even function.
Today is a 16 hour day. I want it to be 10pm so much right now I am ready to crawl in to bed and sleep. To forget the war raging in my mind soul and body. The battle is taking it’s toll and even though I feel strengthened at home with my family outside of there I feel as if I can barely stand.
Talked for a brief time to my dad at work this morning trying to figure out going in to town tomorrow to my house. Not having a car sucks. I told him I would just get a ride to and from work Saturday and then see them after church Sunday. They want to celebrate my birthday.
I am not even sure I will be alive then. Saturday is decision day for me. After I get out of work that day I have to figure out what I am going to do. Do I fight or forget. Do I “make the choice” to live or do I let the darkness overwhelm me. It seems crazy at moments to be at this point. But the insanity outside my parents house and inside my head has become more the I can bare. I can no longer make sense of it. I can no longer figure out what is right and what is wrong. It is just one jumbled mess and it is so loud I will do anything to stop it.
Being back at this point after 13 years has been so disheartening. I wanted to have beat this and moved on. I never wanted to face this darkness again where I could so abuse my body and be thinking I want to die. Three years of that was more then enough for me. Three years of living in a hell where all I wanted to do was eradicate myself from existence was something I never wanted to do again. I have never wanted to visit this place of deep, dark and maddening prison.
Yet here I am. For as much healing as has taken place there are still some major cracks in the foundation of my life. Without healing I will most likely always revisit this place. You cannot live beyond what you believe about yourself…. Not for long. I can never come back here. EVER. The pain and agony I endure, the moment by moment assaults, the confused thinking, the isolation, the loss of relationships, the burden of just breathing, the absence of light, the dark valleys where I find myself not knowing if I am coming or going…. I can’t. I cannot ever return here. So I find myself at a crossroad of how to make sure I do not.
No matter what I choose I hurt. And if I choose the cheap way out then the pain I inflict on others is beyond reason. I feel like I am in a catch 22. Do I go on living for others because I don’t want to wound them? Because I don’t want to ever make them feel that they were not enough? And yet if I do this I risk returning to this place. If I choose to live then I will have to work hard. But I am not even sure I have the strength for that decision let alone the energy to fight.
I am broken and bruised, battered and confused, lost.
I am done.
I must silence this path somehow because I cannot bare it any longer.
It’s almost been 12 hours since my first blog today. Crazy. It means I only have 3 hours left.
It has been a good day work wise with my special angel today.
At moments I have been so overwhelmed and feel like I am on the verge of running and just disappearing but I keep reminding myself I have a job to do and on this watch nothing else matters but her.
I have had to say that a million times today.
In less then an hour my little charge should be at my house released today from an inpatient ED program after just two weeks. I talked to her earlier today but she seemed very frustrated and agitated so I don’t know. Guilt becomes me on this one. I feel like I should be there tonight. The first bit after is always hard and I know she will want to catch up on so much. It’s just I have been working 15 hours and have to be back for a 16 hour day tomorrow. And in the time she has been in treatment I have yet to go to my house and not cut. I used to cut when she was there. I would just take all my tools in the bathroom. To go home tonight would be unsafe for me. But I feel like I am abandoning her. I don’t even know how I can not go. She expects me to be strong like so many other people when right now there is only one thread holding me here from eternity.
And it’s crazy because I know this I know I need to be at my parents but I am guilt ridden and worried I could open the door for her to relapse she has missed me so much and said I am like her big sister. So I feel a bit panicked. I am so freaking tired and it will be an hour in and then an hour out here in the morning and since I only get a 6 hour break well the math says it all. So I am quite torn right now.
But I have somewhat of an idea that it is not the best plan for me. It’s warring inside of me. I don’t want to do anything to hurt her or set her up for a setback. But I too am locked in battle for my life.
I want out of this. I wish I could be the strong one everyone seems to need. I wish I could believe what everyone is telling me. I wish I could be that person that everyone say I am…. And I do try but then feel like a fraud because when people think I am great it’s just cause I am covering up my scars. Both the inside scars and the ones I have made on the outside. I am very good at figuring out what is needed by others and becoming like that to then. I like a chameleon change colors to be the best that can help them.
But somewhere I am lost. Lost because I cannot seem to find my way out. Lost because I do not know who I am or what I should choose. Lost because the exhaustion continues and I feel like I can’t get the doggone bleeding to stop. This slow bleeding has turned I to a massive hemorrhage. I can’t get it to stop. I can’t make it stop. I can’t make it stop.
When I was a little girl I had no idea this was my life. That this would be how it turned out at 36 I never thought I would be blessed with a new family with love for me beyond explanation. I never knew the darkness that hid in plain sight and it would be years before I would face the ugly truth it told.
36….. Healthy person no more. Just a small person swallowed in by the sadness.
I need this war to end. I don’t
Make a choice to buy in to a family who loves me and is always fighting for me. Why would he say that means all we have done is not enough if you make this choice???
I am lost and looking for another small thread to add to mine so it will break.
Choice a simple words with a thousands of meeting.
My last three day I am working and I won’t see them.
Love me so completely I cannot imagine someone better. I can’t be that girl