Redemption in adversity….

Published April 10, 2014 by Anajmb26

I am on this long journey…. Been walking these often dark and winding paths for 37 years now. I have spent most of them chained to adversity. Truth is as a child and young adult I wasn’t given the choice about that. The ghosts that haunted those who wounded me were my constant companion. But somewhere along the line I asked GOD to strip me of everything that would keep me from serving HIM completely. I wanted that even though I thought I was aware of the price for what I was asking. But are we ever really fully aware of the cost?

So HE began stripping me. It was a painful process that I got lost in. More and more as I faced the painful truths I had long hidden I lost sight of where I was heading. I wanted healing. I wanted to be whole and free. But the bitter truth of the medicine I needed was overwhelming and the more My eyes were opened the more I stopped looking forward and I got lost in the pain of the past and saw only the present darkness.

Somewhere along the line in the midst of all the loving people GOD put in my path I rejected truths I knew deep in my core. And I began a journey to I eradicate the evil inside of me. There is great responsibility in choosing to see the truth. And sitting in the ashes mourning the ugly deep wounds I had I not only saw the chains that others had placed on me that GOD was trying to free me from but I also willingly choose to re chain myself to the lies of the evil one. And the cost was heavy. It should have cost me my life. But GOD refused to let me unknowingly make a choice I tried again and again to do without understanding the gravity of it. HE refused to let me waste what HE had set out to make great things from that brought HIM glory.
Then almost 15 years ago HE got a hold of me in my darkness. Even when I had walked away from HIM. Over that first year in 99 HE connected me to a family who would choose to love me completely in my brokenness and through them HE reached out and began the healing process. And it was hard work. It took more strength then I had but HE refused to give up on me. And for many years I grew within this family learning to return to GOD and find more truth about who HE was. Both my surrogate parents were great lights to show me new truths about the character of GOD. I was given a mother who loved me unconditionally which I am still trying to wrap my head around. She fought for me on so many days when I could not and applied healing salve to my seeping wounds. I was given a father. One who would protect me and love me unconditionally as well. In this example GOD set out to show me HIS true character. And in the midst of their love I grew and came alive.

But we are prone like a dog to return to our vomit. And it wouldn’t take long for me to get busy with life and a good cause that began to consume my life. I started letting go of the things I needed to ground me and slowly I lost sight of what was needing to be done. And then things happened and because I had let go and walked away I returned to those chains sat down and re shackled myself. I put the key behind me and took up the lies of the evil one. I believed I was exactly where I deserved to be. I swallowed the poison of unworthiness and built alters to the sins of the past changing my course to return to my brokenness.

In the end it is why I sit where I am today. Fighting for my life. Having fallen down the dark trenches of relapse I set about to be my own god and choose the fate I believed to be what I deserved. I should not be writing this today. That was not my plan. I should not be alive. I set out to end my life and journal that process here. But GOD is a fierce and loving GOD who does not give up in HIS pursuit of redemption. HE does not walk away from HIS children. And so my words and journey continue.

But there are consequences to the choices we make. And I live those out in many ways every day. They are not easy nor enjoyable. Having turned my life away from the SON and traveled far far into the desert I am parched and weary. But thankful my SAVIOR knows the desert well himself.
So I have chosen to clean house. I have tried to make a stand for what I desire my life to become. And in doing so I have also poised all hell and the evil one to set himself against me. The evil one does not like redemption and he does not give up what was given to him lightly. So right now each moment of the day is a battle. A battle to continue in redemption while he screams the lies I have chosen in the past and offers the chains I have loosed back to me.
I admit this is a long battle I face grateful for the mercy of GOD. I a weak and weary having starved myself of food both physically and spiritually. But I keep fighting trying each moment to continue choosing to press forward towards what is right.
Yesterday proved itself difficult. With only 3 1/2 hours sleep I went off to work with one of my special needs kids. A 13 hour day. It went well for the first part though I had to struggle so much with the darkness fighting in my head. Got to the afternoon and my sweet little miracle girl had a meltdown and it was a brutal fight as she railed the fury of her uncontrollable anger against me. While trying to place her in a wrap she got a hold of my arm and bit clean through to the bone and would not let go. She has bitten me over 50 times before but never like this. In the end we made it through. She fought bravely to find control and let the emotions she was struggling with pass. And within the hour she back to the happy giggling girl I had been with all day. When I left my shift I of course was sent to urgent care. It felt ridiculous and stupid but had no choice but to go. It was only about 4 hours since the bite happened but it had already swollen and become infected. There is some tendon damage. I was put on an two separate antibiotics because I am allergic the both of the options the normally use. It is threatening because this combination will give me diarrhea which I have already been struggling with for three days now. In my world of ANA I would have been happy it makes the numbers on the scale move and erases in the lies if the ED what I have eaten. But since I am trying to choose to be healthy I find this threatening. I had a good cry on the way home.
My dad sent me a text saying he had a “little bit of good news for me” and I admit I had sat down in the darkness and did not feel like good news could
Come. But when they got home they told me that someone had anonymously donated a Chevy trailblazer to me. What a huge blessing! I have been struggling for the last 6 weeks without a car thankful for my gracious sister who has loaned me hers to use on days I have to work. But this gift is amazing!!! I still don’t know how I will have the money I need to get insurance plates and pay my bills this week but I choose in this moment to thank GOD for HIs provisions. I am humbled that HE is so gracious when I have been so far for so long. I am thankful today that HIS mercies are new every morning.
So today is another day. Another 13 hour work day. Another day to fight to choose life and not rebuild alters I have torn down. Another day to fight to silence the lies that call me back again to the darkness. Another day of just a little over 3 hours of sleep.
But today is another day to try to choose to do what is right. To try to honor those who love me enough to never give up. Another day to marvel at the redemption there is taking place in the midst of adversity.

Another day to find a 1000 things to be thankful for.

Consequences can be threatening…

Published April 8, 2014 by Anajmb26

Whenever you make a choice to so what is right all that is wrong will stand in the way to keep you from moving forward.
I am home. Not my apartment but home where I belong with my family. I made some hard choices today and since that happened all afternoon knowing I am doing what is right all hell has poised to pull me back. I keep fighting through each moment but this is so hard.
I am weak. Not saying that in a negative sense but in an honest sense when I make a choice to give up the sickness and lies I have chosen. This is new and I am weak. The battles in my head have been intense all day. Calling me trying to pull me back trying to make me rebuild what I have torn down.
I knew this wouldn’t be easy and would take all I have. I have to change it I will bury myself and destroy a beautiful thing and hurt so many. Yet that is what the evil one keeps
Screaming.
I want to make this work. I want to be well. I want to be whole and no longer live in a life with brokenness and chaos and misery. I want it. I have made good choices today. Yet everything within me is rebelling. Even my body. Everything I have eaten has gone straight through me. Funny how before today I would be happy with that. Not today. Not when I want to be healthy.

But these are my consequences. When you make wrong choices they can have haunting consequences.

I want what is right. GOD help me. I am trying. I am trying to make the right choices. I am weak. Choosing life is no easy task. I thought choosing death was hard.

I want what is right. I am trying.

I choose life….no matter how hard from this moment foreward

Published April 8, 2014 by Anajmb26

I won’t be perfect. I will struggle. I will have days when I choose the old life. I will make choices that come from a brokenness I choose to believe. I know myself too well.
But today instead of choosing to live broken until my last breathe I choose to use my last breathe to try to choose life.

I just need to say a few things so this is not something you need to respond to. I want you to know I am sorry. Truly sorry for the things I have said that have been hurtful. I know that you and dad love me the part I struggle with when I say the unconditional is I am afraid I will make a choice that will cause me to lose it. I view GOD the same way. Since my head is a mess if what you have always said and done is true then that is a fear I have been chaining myself to willingly and not trusting the truth. My intentions have never been to take the love and hard work you have invested in me for granted. But perhaps though that is my intentions it has not always been in line with my actions. I have never willingly sought to hurt either one of you. But clearly I have stuck to the belief that what I do to myself has no bearing on you. This is wrong as I am now seeing. When I hurt myself I see it as a sin but only that. I have not viewed it as an action that has caused GOD grief and hurt only anger. I see I am wrong in this view. It is both. For most of my life I have let guilt determine my next choice. I have believed that I am not worthy of love or life and because I allow guilt to determine things when I do wrong I allow the evil one even more room to take over areas of my life and alienate myself from the ONE I should be running towards not from. Because I continue to believe I am so broken I have resigned my life to the chaos of the evil one and allowed him to take areas that I once gave to GOD. I made and make that choice daily. I do so selfishly regardless of the impact it has on others. I have not recognized that until now. I have chosen the life of misery and feeling lost because I have chosen to believe it is what I deserve. Nothing anyone has ever done or will do can determine that to be the truth of my life but me. I have allowed myself to believe I am powerless to change so much because I have chosen that.
I continue to live my life based on the alters I have helped set up in my heart and mind based on lies. This is why I cannot feel GOD or feel like I can stand before HIM. Because I have chosen to believe those lies and willingly refused to remove those alters. I didn’t see that till now. You can love me all you want but until I make the choice for it to be real deep and true I will remain as I am. This is what you have been trying to tell me.
If GOD takes you from me then I will have to choose to continue making right choices no matter how much it hurts.
I want to heal. I want to be whole and free from my brokenness. I want to honor you in all I do. I have been given a great gift that few have been blessed with in being welcomed into your family. I have never felt hurt by you or dad or had a moment when I felt like you didn’t love me. In the moments I question your love it is because I have chosen to allow my alter of guilt to tell me I have become unworthy. You and dad have gone above an beyond the call of anyone and have given your all to love me and to try to help me heal. I apologize for taking this for granted and for making choices that make you feel as though you have not done something right or you are not enough. I have deeply wronged you both and I am sorry. I have chosen to live life how I see it and have hurt you both and I am sorry.

I want to be whole and free and be in a relationship with GOD that is pure and can see now what I must do. I won’t be perfect or get it all right but I will start today by choosing to make right choices and start tearing down the alters that defile HIS temple. I will choose to return to my GOD as the Israelites did and in HIS grace find HIS mercy regardless of the consequences that may come because of my actions.
I just wanted to give you my apologies for the pain and hurt I have caused you and dad. And let you know what I see and am going to choose to set out to do.
Thank you for loving me enough to be willing to be open enough to be hurt and to be honest for how you feel. Thank you for loving me enough to not give up and to keep pointing me back to where I belong.

I love you
MJB

FATHER help me choose this each moment.

The ugliness of the fight

Published April 7, 2014 by Anajmb26

Much has happened today. Much to process. What I do know is I have been through a roller coaster today and emotionally I am exhausted.

The original purpose of this blog was to journal my last days as I counted down to my last breathe. I had set out to starve myself to death. Fallen down a 7 month relapse that seemed to have swallowed me whole. However the time it seemed to take to punish myself was too long. I wanted every moment of pain it would cause me because I believed I deserved it in every sense. But the darker the days got the more I needed it to end. I couldn’t breathe through the stifling darkness. So I set out to make my last day the night before my 37th birthday.

Such sadness that burned holes in the very core of my bones. Yet deep within a small part of me wanted some small ounce of hope that there was another way. That there was some hope for someone so broken as me. That’s what drove me to my parents house that night almost 8 weeks ago. Because I knew GOD had used their love to save me over 13 years ago. I knew if anything could stop the spiral it was their love. Their home. Their family. Their safety from myself. So here I am. While it has only been 8 weeks I feel Like it has been months. Many many dark and difficult months. Progress forward has been made but there is so much work to do.

This blog is brutal and ugly. Many find the truth they read in it threatening, painful, confusing, and many cannot understand how or why I think or believe the way I do. Many don’t understand why I make the choices I do. And for many it is hard to watch someone destroy themselves and speak of such hurt and hatred. I don’t blame them. My world is confusing and twisted myself. I don’t understand so much! And many things I believe shaped by my life are misguided and untrue. I don’t pretend what I blog here is easy to read or understand. It is not for the faint hearted or easily wounded.

What I do know is so much of my life I have spent hiding. Hiding secrets. Things I have endured. How I really feel. I spend a great majority of my time pretending to have it all together for the outside world because the chaos inside is more often then not something most people in my life cannot handle. So I make it seem like I am a strong person who can survive anything when in truth most days I barely hold myself together. Most days atleast for the last 7 almost 8 months I have been fighting for my life almost ever second of everyday.

I cannot hide anymore. These secrets are killing me. Literally. Day by day the longer I hide the truth the more a small piece of me dies. Day by day my desire to end my life grows stronger. I remember my first run through this journey I was desperate for hope. For some story some book that would end full of hope and happiness but the truth is all I found was mediocre stories of those who fought to stay on recovery and were barely surviving. I spent the first 20 years of my life surviving. The thought of that being my fate for the rest of my life until I gave my last breathe was more then I could bare. I want peace. I want to know that a soul born in adversity and beaten within an inch of life can find healing. That a broken heart and life can be made whole. That those of us who have walked these darkened trenches can find a way out that promises more then just walking on the ledge with the constant threat of falling back in. I want wholeness and happiness.

I don’t know how to get there. I don’t even know at this point if I will survive this battle. I know for certain if I go backwards I will not. I want to hope that I can beat this for good. But I am not even sure I can survive tomorrow. I know I can only try each moment of this day to not only be alive for the next moment but to do so without abusing myself believing it is what I deserve.

A huge struggle in all of this is righting the wrong beliefs I base my life and choices on everyday. I struggle with my faith and understanding who GOD is and what I am before HIM. This is where I stand with it at the moment

I get the browbeating side of GOD it is the love and forgiving side of GOD I struggle with. Every time I make a wrong choice trust me I feel the horrendous reprucutions of what I have done. For most people that would be enough to never do it again. For people like you and dad that is enough and that is how you see it. For people like me who have been beaten and bloodied under the name and rules of GOD the moment we make that wrong choice we have so stained ourselves we are unworthy of GODs grace and forgiveness again, there is always the chance it was enough to remove us from being HIS child. It boils a hate and shame that only the evil one can spawn and understand. Until you and dad understand this side of me you will always be hurt beyond what I am doing to the temple of GOD and in so doing to the love you give me. There is no saving me in the ugliness of my sin I already feel and breathe it. I don’t say this to say I don’t want to hear the truth. But with K and K you teach about following GOD and the pain and sin it is to HIM when they make bad choices and that they want to in love make the right choice. I don’t see HIM that way. Each choice I make against HIM is rebellion I get that. I don’t openly seek to rebel. I am desperately wanting HIS love and to belong in the same way I want to be worthy of YOU guys. I get the sin part. You may disagree but that is because we come from two different upbringings. I need to somehow find that balance between HIS holiness and demand of holiness and how to find the way back to HIS grace love and forgiveness. My bio mom wants the time she said sorry for what happened to be enough and that I never speak again of it because it brings the pain of her choices back up. That is what I live in everyday mom. The pain and ugliness of what I have done for EVERY wrong choice I have ever made. I don’t know how to make you understand my head cause I know it is messed up and twisted. That’s why I said this morning how do I know my choices last night aren’t enough to take GODs provisions from me. Here is the evil ones hold on me. I understand more of the consequences of wrong choices then I do about true forgiveness and what that means. If my life is meant to be held to a mirror and shown what I have done wrong to GOD to make me choose to do right I will never win. I will never change. Just like I thought yesterday I had 6 weeks that should be enough taking from you to make it on my own so I think I have known GOD my whole life and that should be enough for me to have this right. That should be enough that I stop making wrong choices. But because I continue to choose to do so it shows who I truly belong to. It shows why I am unworthy of your love and being a B. I want your truths and understanding of GOD to be my own but I don’t know how to translate that moment of facing GOD in the garden of Eden after their sin….that moment of knowing they had done wrong and basically spit in HIS face…..that moment of horrific reality of what they have done….into the grace of the cross. I am stuck in that moment of Eden. I grew up being taught the brutal ugliness of that moment and I feel every second every breath of it every single day of my life. I understand more about the GOD of the Old Testament for my life then I do of the New Testament. When you and dad are angry with me or have a stern voice… For K and K it would spurn them to want to fix it and make right choices and not go back there again. But that moment for me is the ugliness of my nakedness and sin and unworthiness. Those moments in my head prove I am evil and unworthy of forgiveness. You say I have had 13 years with you to understand family but I have spent it living it through what I know and you have spent it trying to raise me the right way that you understand. I don’t understand that mom. I don’t. I feel like in this moment you say that is a choice you are making. And true it is. But it is a choice I make with the understanding of who I am and who GOD is that I have believed my whole life. That is why I want to hide when I have done wrong. That is why I don’t know how to come back to you. In the same way I don’t know how to get back to GOD when I have made a sinful choice. I don’t understand when the payment for my sin ends and HIS forgiveness begins and HE sees me as HIS child. I don’t. All I know is I have once again set up alters to golden cows when HE brought me out of Egypt. That moment in HIS anger is what I understand. I understand the 40 years in the desert for my sin. When I would anger F and he would say get away from me. Get out of my sight I don’t even want to look at you. I understand GOD that way. When my mom said if you really loved me you wouldn’t do that I understand GOD that way. I am confused because I do love HIM but clearly I don’t or not enough or I wouldn’t make wrong choices. This is what keeps me from HIM. Every time I make a wrong choice it’s like I hear HIM say those two statements to me. And I do love HIM. And I do want to be worthy of HIS love and gift on the cross. I just have a filter that tells me with each wrong choice I make I prove the opposite. It’s why I struggle with your unconditional love. I don’t know that. You can tell me it a million times but each time I need to hear it. It’s just like dad claimed me 13 almost 14 years ago and I am his daughter. He has said it before. But he has said it a hundred times this last 8 weeks and each time I can believe it a little more. Each time you call and say it’s mom just because you have said it to me before I think when I make these wrong choices I become unworthy of that gift and I live in fear one day you won’t claim me as your daughter. I wish you could just read my head and understand.
I just walked to glens on 8th street cause I haven’t eaten since 1:30 yesterday and I know you are right when you say I have to make the right choices. And I prayed on the way there and back. But if you could see how I do so in true form of what I am feeling I am crawling on the ground fearful that my sorry is not good enough. I am scared HE has chosen not to listen because I have proven how unworthy I am. I cower before GOD. I don’t very often understand or feel like I can stand before HIM as HIS child because of the cross. When I was little and things were hard I would picture myself sitting in HIS lap crying and being held by HIM and I could tell HIM anything and HE listened and loved me and I was “good enough” to be there. But that was lost a long time ago. I haven’t felt that even when I am making right choices now. I still fear HIM saying get out of my sight. I still fear HIM turning away from me because the stains are too dark and deep. I try but I don’t understand unconditional love from you or from HIM. I keep trying. I do. But every time you say this is mom….every time dad says listen to your dad or that’s my daughter it’s like you telling me I am still worthy of being claimed.
I am sorry I am so difficult. I am sorry I am so complicated. I am sorry I hurt you so much. I am sorry. I want to be good enough and make you proud. And I am trying even if you can’t see that. But as I cower before GOD feeling unworthy so I do before you. Afraid my stains are too much. I want to know and understand GOD and HIS mercy and grace and holiness and forgiveness and unconditional love like you do. I want to understand the meaning of family like you do. I desperately do. And I am trying. I am just a little lost on all of it. I keep trying to fix it piece by piece. I just always feel like it isn’t enough. I just always feel like my sorrys don’t mean anything cause I sin again. I wish I could write this out so you could understand it.

I know I have to change this for true healing to begin.

But this journey is brutal, ugly, horrific, painful, and dark. I won’t hide that. My hope is that love breaks through and in the end GOD paints some beautiful picture from the mess of my life and that some how to even one life it gives hope…. The hope I so desperately wanted for myself. That it will show true and complete healing can happen.

That is my hope. But I make no promises and each day, each moment, each temptation is a choice I am free to make that determines the outcome. So I move forward journaling my struggle. Knowing that it will still be dark but in hope that I am walking towards the light and not just backwards towards the edge of the cliff I waver on everyday right now.
I shared this with a dear friend today who is trying to help on why I continue to blog on here.

I appreciate your suggestion. Going back there is not poisonous. It is where I go when I am feeling like I am. The blog itself is not what is wrong. You see it that way because when I blog there it is all you see. When I am connected and talking out loud then I don’t go there as often. But it doesn’t mean what I post there doesn’t exist I just don’t voice it as much. The blog is my reality and I know it might not be reality period because my world is mixed up but it is the struggle I face. There are millions of people who have struggles like me. And I won’t hide this journey. Whether I survive or not that blog is my journal of my journey. If I do make it through this then it will be journaled there as well. Because people need to see the hard and good times. Because others who at fighting like me need to see hope break through. Which is what I hope happens but don’t know at this point. Before I met the B’s I looked for people and stories who gave the truth and ended in hope but so many have mediocre stories of the fight and a life filled with misery and fight. So little hope. If I make it through this I want my story to be one that ends in hope but I can’t hide the ugliness of the journey to that place. If it is hard for you to read then I can take you off Facebook so it doesn’t affect you. I don’t mean that to come across harsh! I love you too bunches and bunches. I have just found some people need to be protected from my struggle.
I am still a lot of the black and white thinker. So instead I need to be more honest with the good times on there not just the ugly. I won’t silence my journey because it is real and it may be what reaches those just as lost as I feel right now. I don’t know if that make sense to you?

The ugliness of this fight is an open book. How it ends is yet to be determined. I just know that tonight I am thankful I made it through today without making a choice to go backwards. I know when I wake I will have to fight this all over again. But tonight I can’t think about that or I am overwhelmed and the darkness calls stronger then I have strength to withstand. Today ends with no cutting, no starving, no lax abuse. For me that is a good thing. Tonight I am thankful for the choice of life.

So the journey continues…

Can’t go backwards…I will lose if I do

Published April 7, 2014 by Anajmb26

Spent 6 weeks in family rehab I know it is the only reason I am still breathing right now. I am so very grateful for their willingness to rearrange their life once again to try to save mine. It’s been 8 weeks since I made that decision to go home and I know I am not where I was that night I spent 45 minutes sitting in the road crying fighting through the urge to go home. I knew there was no place I would rather be but also knew if I pulled in that driveway I would have to fight. So tired at that point I just didn’t have the strength to do that. But when I started to pull in that driveway and then decided I couldn’t do it I got stuck and I know that was GOD helping me when I had tried to make the right decision even when I couldn’t follow through.

After 6 weeks I had two nights at my house and then a week long trip with a special needs family to go on a working trip for their vacation with them. I was terrified and didn’t think I could do it but both my parents felt I was strong enough and so I trusted them when I couldn’t trust myself. It ended up being a 10 day trip and I just got home yesterday evening. Called home and told my mom I was scared. I don’t trust myself right now. Especially after that. It was a great trip. I was very blessed for a chance to get out and away from the chaos of my life here. She asked if I wanted them to come get me but I said I would stay here at my apartment. I knew I would be playing with fire but I was so tired. She encouraged me not to go backwards and realize after what I had just done I was exhausted and needed to get some food and some sleep. She was right. That’s exactly what I needed. I am wiped clean of energy and strength. I gave every bit of myself to the last drop for the last 10 days.

But the darkness here is thick. I know I am not where I was 8 weeks ago but it feels that dark. So after almost a month of no cutting I blew that. Evil begets evil. And I am sure that’s why the black thickness of my thoughts and heart are so deep today. I made such a wrong choice. I could give a million reasons why last night. My roommate was nasty. I am going to be homeless in less then two weeks. I have no vehicle and have no idea how to make it to work. Bills are sky high. My room is a mess 1/2 packed and the other half a mess. That may seem like a silly reason but in my life it is a mirror of my inner life. I am exhausted beyond reason. I have not one drop of strength left. My cup is empty. I feel like such a failure. I don’t know how to maneuver through life right now. 6 weeks is a lot to ask. Shouldn’t I be able to do life on my own. How do I ask for what I need when I don’t know if I am worth that. I don’t know what choice is next. The hate here in this moment, this darkness for the person I see in the mirror is deep and feels consuming. I could give a million reasons for the blade. For the starving. But I am certain none of it in a logical world is enough to make what I did last night right.
I feel lost. Even though I am sure I am not. I feel hopeless even though I sure it is not. I want the nothingness to swallow me even though I am sure it is not the right path.
I don’t know If I can do this. I can’t be where I was 8 weeks ago so why does it feel like it. And worse. To make poor choices when I have come so far makes me feel like even more then a failure. I cannot breath. I don’t even want to. I don’t know what comes next. I can’t go backwards. I won’t come back if I do. I swore I could never go back because I don’t want this fight for life or death again. EVER. I can’t go backwards. I just can’t.
Just struggling to breathe.

Coming home…,

Published April 6, 2014 by Anajmb26

I am about 6 hours from home. Been in the car since yesterday morning. It’s been about 5 days since that is all I have wanted. A 10 day trip to Florida for work was a bit of a stretch and I am glad I was able to make it. Even with 5-7 hours of sleep a night it’s been hard to have a break. Not just time away but just time to not have to have all of my crap together. And I am tired. So very tired. Anxious to be home.
I suppose that is the ironic part. Because with each passing mile I continue to feel the anxiety build. Home to a half packed room with an alcoholic roommate and no car. Home to all the demons I have been fighting for the two days before I left and the last seven months. What a mixed up mess I am in my head.
I feel a bit ready to implode. I feel like I am getting ready to fall off a tall cliff and all I want at the end is the sudden stop. I want the end. I am tired. I am just so very very tired and I don’t have the strength to keep going. The darkness here is crushing my breath.

The bigger picture

Published April 5, 2014 by Anajmb26

Life is crazy! In the last 13 year almost 14 I have learned to have more good days then bad days. Which I never thought possible. Then about 7 months ago I lost sight of some things and ended up with a major relapse that has been tough to try to get out of. I have a good heart but left unchecked even that can get me in trouble. I have been blessed with a 10 day working trip to Florida with one of my special needs families. I didn’t think I was strong enough for it but trusted my parents when they said I could even when I doubted it. Tonight I am reminded of giving gifts that bring healing. It has been a long day. An 11 hour day that turned into a 16 hour day. I took the day flying solo with my special needs miracle which had it’s challenges and moments when I was just plain tired. I am ready to be home. But I did today because it gave the dad time to spend with his other daughter. He wasn’t sure he wanted to leave us here but I encouraged him to stop thinking about it and just do it. Taking her and her friend to swim with the dolphins is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity and as much as this last 8 months has upended their lives I reminded him that part of healing is making new memories and that he has but a short time to do so before his kids are grown and off on their own. It’s difficult when you have a special needs child that demands a majority of your time and the other kids can easily get left behind. So he took the two today and went off to Orlando. I admit when I found out it would be four hours longer of a day for me I selfishly wished it wasn’t. But tonight with two 13 year old girls giggling in my room telling me story after story of their incredible day it made it all worth it. I get lost sometimes in the darkness of my own life and forget there are so many others out there who also have their battles. I have trouble with boundaries more often then not I give until I have nothing left and then I implode. But today I was able to be part of something bigger then my own battle and I am grateful for it. Today I could give my time to help healing begin and let new memories be made that will outshine the darkness they both face in their lives. And so at 11pm utterly spent and exhausted I am thankful. Thankful and humbled that I got to be part of that. Thankful that at the end of the day when my own darkness seemed overwhelming I was reminded of the bigger picture and that love in many forms heals things and hurts that should never happen but do in this broken world. I am glad that at the end of the day….at the end of myself…it was the beginning for others. That makes the difficult moments worth it all!!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 72 other followers