I am on this long journey…. Been walking these often dark and winding paths for 37 years now. I have spent most of them chained to adversity. Truth is as a child and young adult I wasn’t given the choice about that. The ghosts that haunted those who wounded me were my constant companion. But somewhere along the line I asked GOD to strip me of everything that would keep me from serving HIM completely. I wanted that even though I thought I was aware of the price for what I was asking. But are we ever really fully aware of the cost?
So HE began stripping me. It was a painful process that I got lost in. More and more as I faced the painful truths I had long hidden I lost sight of where I was heading. I wanted healing. I wanted to be whole and free. But the bitter truth of the medicine I needed was overwhelming and the more My eyes were opened the more I stopped looking forward and I got lost in the pain of the past and saw only the present darkness.
Somewhere along the line in the midst of all the loving people GOD put in my path I rejected truths I knew deep in my core. And I began a journey to I eradicate the evil inside of me. There is great responsibility in choosing to see the truth. And sitting in the ashes mourning the ugly deep wounds I had I not only saw the chains that others had placed on me that GOD was trying to free me from but I also willingly choose to re chain myself to the lies of the evil one. And the cost was heavy. It should have cost me my life. But GOD refused to let me unknowingly make a choice I tried again and again to do without understanding the gravity of it. HE refused to let me waste what HE had set out to make great things from that brought HIM glory.
Then almost 15 years ago HE got a hold of me in my darkness. Even when I had walked away from HIM. Over that first year in 99 HE connected me to a family who would choose to love me completely in my brokenness and through them HE reached out and began the healing process. And it was hard work. It took more strength then I had but HE refused to give up on me. And for many years I grew within this family learning to return to GOD and find more truth about who HE was. Both my surrogate parents were great lights to show me new truths about the character of GOD. I was given a mother who loved me unconditionally which I am still trying to wrap my head around. She fought for me on so many days when I could not and applied healing salve to my seeping wounds. I was given a father. One who would protect me and love me unconditionally as well. In this example GOD set out to show me HIS true character. And in the midst of their love I grew and came alive.
But we are prone like a dog to return to our vomit. And it wouldn’t take long for me to get busy with life and a good cause that began to consume my life. I started letting go of the things I needed to ground me and slowly I lost sight of what was needing to be done. And then things happened and because I had let go and walked away I returned to those chains sat down and re shackled myself. I put the key behind me and took up the lies of the evil one. I believed I was exactly where I deserved to be. I swallowed the poison of unworthiness and built alters to the sins of the past changing my course to return to my brokenness.
In the end it is why I sit where I am today. Fighting for my life. Having fallen down the dark trenches of relapse I set about to be my own god and choose the fate I believed to be what I deserved. I should not be writing this today. That was not my plan. I should not be alive. I set out to end my life and journal that process here. But GOD is a fierce and loving GOD who does not give up in HIS pursuit of redemption. HE does not walk away from HIS children. And so my words and journey continue.
But there are consequences to the choices we make. And I live those out in many ways every day. They are not easy nor enjoyable. Having turned my life away from the SON and traveled far far into the desert I am parched and weary. But thankful my SAVIOR knows the desert well himself.
So I have chosen to clean house. I have tried to make a stand for what I desire my life to become. And in doing so I have also poised all hell and the evil one to set himself against me. The evil one does not like redemption and he does not give up what was given to him lightly. So right now each moment of the day is a battle. A battle to continue in redemption while he screams the lies I have chosen in the past and offers the chains I have loosed back to me.
I admit this is a long battle I face grateful for the mercy of GOD. I a weak and weary having starved myself of food both physically and spiritually. But I keep fighting trying each moment to continue choosing to press forward towards what is right.
Yesterday proved itself difficult. With only 3 1/2 hours sleep I went off to work with one of my special needs kids. A 13 hour day. It went well for the first part though I had to struggle so much with the darkness fighting in my head. Got to the afternoon and my sweet little miracle girl had a meltdown and it was a brutal fight as she railed the fury of her uncontrollable anger against me. While trying to place her in a wrap she got a hold of my arm and bit clean through to the bone and would not let go. She has bitten me over 50 times before but never like this. In the end we made it through. She fought bravely to find control and let the emotions she was struggling with pass. And within the hour she back to the happy giggling girl I had been with all day. When I left my shift I of course was sent to urgent care. It felt ridiculous and stupid but had no choice but to go. It was only about 4 hours since the bite happened but it had already swollen and become infected. There is some tendon damage. I was put on an two separate antibiotics because I am allergic the both of the options the normally use. It is threatening because this combination will give me diarrhea which I have already been struggling with for three days now. In my world of ANA I would have been happy it makes the numbers on the scale move and erases in the lies if the ED what I have eaten. But since I am trying to choose to be healthy I find this threatening. I had a good cry on the way home.
My dad sent me a text saying he had a “little bit of good news for me” and I admit I had sat down in the darkness and did not feel like good news could
Come. But when they got home they told me that someone had anonymously donated a Chevy trailblazer to me. What a huge blessing! I have been struggling for the last 6 weeks without a car thankful for my gracious sister who has loaned me hers to use on days I have to work. But this gift is amazing!!! I still don’t know how I will have the money I need to get insurance plates and pay my bills this week but I choose in this moment to thank GOD for HIs provisions. I am humbled that HE is so gracious when I have been so far for so long. I am thankful today that HIS mercies are new every morning.
So today is another day. Another 13 hour work day. Another day to fight to choose life and not rebuild alters I have torn down. Another day to fight to silence the lies that call me back again to the darkness. Another day of just a little over 3 hours of sleep.
But today is another day to try to choose to do what is right. To try to honor those who love me enough to never give up. Another day to marvel at the redemption there is taking place in the midst of adversity.
Another day to find a 1000 things to be thankful for.